Amo: Inday, bumili ka nga ng mga isda. Ay, oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon. Would you please buy many fishes for this week's meals?
Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term "fishes" although rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the more pressing questions before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Lufet!
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Slap the face of that crazy bitch! You must show to her that regardless of the class we belong in the society, respect should not be put at risk! Angelika is nothing but an opportunist, heartless devil! I damn hate her! Duh! - Inday, watching Marimar.

Question: Bakit laging present tense ang "I can think?"
Answer: Kasi, kung "I can thought," bastos ang dating, di ba?
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Girl: Itay, nagbold po ako sa magazine. Tingnan nyo po ang picture ko sa page 10. Itay: Anak! Sa palagay mo ba, may mas nakakahiya pa dito?!
Girl: Meron pa po itay! Tingnan nyo sa page 16, si Inay!
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The word "woman" has "man" in it. The pronoun "mrs" has "mr" in it. The noun "female" has "male" in it. Another pronoun "she" has "he" in it. Even the French "madam" has "adam" in it. It is therefore no wonder nga, under ang mga lalake sa mga babae! Wahaha!
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Hindi ko hinihiling na manatili ka sa akin habang buhay. Manatili ka hangga't gusto mo, walang bakit, walang paano, walang pero, walang pangako. Basta manatili ka, masaya na ako!
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Guy: Miss, ipinaglihi ka ba sa inodoro?
Gal: Bakit?
Guy: Kasi, ako, ipinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, hindi ko mapigilang mahulog!!!


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Do you know why they made beer taste bitter? So one would take time to drink, more time to talk. It's the time spent together, not the beer! Kaya masarap mag-inuman!
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May isang pari, nag-illegal parking. Nag-iwan sya ng note sa car: "Pari ako. Walang maparkingan. Please, huwag mo akong tiketan. Forgive my trespasses." Pagbalik nya, may ticket at note sa car nya: "Pulis ako. Kung hindi kita titiketan, magkakasala ako. Lead me not into temptation. Pero kung mag-iipit ka ng pera sa lisensya mo, baka pwede na. Give us this day our daily bread."

BARBER’S CUT
kwentong barbero? i had a haircut recently. very interesting. the best barbers here in singapore are malay. why? ewan. why are the best barbers in the philippines, kapangpangan? ewan din. if you visit the good barber shops in manila – there’s a very good chance that most of them are kapangkapang. its just that way, i guess. how do you spell necktie in kapampangan? hen-hee-si-kitty-hi-hee! hehehe… coffee? si-ho-hef-hef-hee-hee! hehehe! hay nahkuh! takshapoka… where was i? oh, okay…

the malay barber asked me: “are you pare?”

“huh?”

“are you pare? are you filipino?”

“ahh! yes, i am pare.”


and then i realize these people have a name for us, like we have names for them (indonesian:korokan, indian: pana, chinese: check-wa, japanese: japok, caucasian: “wannabuywatch joe”) – they call male filipinos “pare”. siguro naririnig nila yung mga lalaking pinoy na mag-usap dito parating may “pare”. Pare, pre, tsong, hoy, pssst… all you need to hear to confirm that there’s a pinoy nearbye. minsan combination: “psssst, hoy!”, “hoy, pssst!”, “hoy pare”, “pre, psst, hoy!”…

a haircut here costs $ 9.00 – about 250 pesos. it’s like going to ricky reyes for a trim. but i dont go there. i still like to go the traditional kapangpangan barber. i pay 50 pesos for a barber’s cut (what else?), a razor job on the side burns, baby powder on the raw spots, a hair tonic massage at the end and probably a hot towel thrown over your head – aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! ang init! ang init! ang init! aaaaang sarap ah!. isapanga!

hair tonic…. one whiff of that smell and i’m suddenly a kid of four, having a hair cut with my dad. we always had our hair cut together with the same barber. i think his name was omeng. he had his “gupit binata” and i had my “beatles cut”. it was always on a sunday afternoon. there’s nothing like entering an air-conditioned barber shop on a hot sunday afternoon and being arested by the sweet smell of hair tonic. hehehehe… melancholy lesson: lovemwhiletheirstillalive!.

says the organ grinder.

“…its funny how the time goes,
and you never seem to notice till they’re gone…”

the massage is my favorite hair cut ritual. it’s the barber’s way of telling you: “tapos ka na bata, alis ka na diyan sa silya” – or as the filipino barber (still holding his razor blade) says to his american customer (scared shitless): “pano bang sabihin ang tapos na…ahh…ehh…this is your ‘THE END’, joe!”. the massage starts with noisy clapping as the barbers hands comes into contact with your back. it’s followed by a neck rub and then the finishing touch: the barber pours hair tonic in his hands and massages your scalp. mapapa-”wow” ka sa sarap (at mapapa-”ow” ka naman sa sakit kung tumulo ang tonic sa raw shaven skin…”aray, aray, aray! mama, paki lagyan naman ng pulbos yung gilid ng tenga ko. nagsugat na yata yung inahit nyo eh!”).

in davao during my mt. apo days, we went to a local barber shop (whose barbers were not even remotely kapampangan) that charged us 30 pesos for a hair cut, complete shave, ear and nose cleaning. it takes 2 hours for the complete job. you take a nap and awaken, totally refreshed and looking good. i give the barber 100 pesos. it would be a shame to pay him 30 pesos for a major job like that.

the older barbers told the best stories. they talked about everything – politics, showbiz, local tsismis. in the barber shop, the topic of the story is not that important. what counts is the telling. of course, the ultimate turn-off is a barber with bad-breath.

my barber here in singapore does not use scissors. he starts and ends with the electric razor. he is good and does his job like an ice sculptor creates his (what else?) ice sculpture! hehehe… he does it in a flurry and is finished in 15 minutes. this is where i miss my filipino kapangpangan barber. in manila, my barber looks at me like he’s drinking brandy. he takes little snips like taking little brandy sips. he relishes every “close-open, close-open ng close-open” of the scissors (bugtungan: eto si kaka, bumu-buka-bukaka? sagot: gunting!) and he takes his time and doesn’t hurry.

it takes 15 minutes para lang pantayin ang side burns ko.

hi!hi!hi! hi!hi!hi! hi!hi!hi! (opening lyrics of the yano song, banal na aso)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 27th, 2001 at 4:20 pm and is filed under MYSELF, PATAWA, SINGAPORE. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.