Aussie Blonde Joke
A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin, Australia.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After become very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out an catch my own crocodiles, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
So the blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home and pull over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge three-meter (nine feet!) croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the croc and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more dead cros, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. As he watched, the blonde struggled and flipped the most recently demised croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! This bastard's barefoot, too!"
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Why Men Are Happier People
Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.
Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
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Two Ladies Talking In Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.
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Questions & Answers
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist ?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children ?
A. Ask your mother!
Q. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
A. Call her with your cell phone and tell her what you're doing!
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2 Quickies
1. A local pharmacist was robbed last week and all the Viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!
2. A guy dies while having anal sex with his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral, the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, she leans forward and whispers in his ear, "It f*cking hurts doesn't it!"
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A Visit To The Doctor
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
"Well, actually, you weigh 180", she indignantly informed me.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and informed me that I only measure 5' 2".
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac ... What a bitch!
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Entitled To One Phone Call
Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer, unable to reach either parent, gave them one phone call.
A half hour later, a man entered the station.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!
" THOSE WHO LIVE BY THE SWORD..GET SHOT BY THOSE WHO DON'T." 
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